Ow. Ow ow ow. I'd almost forgotten this pain; it takes a lot out of me not to try to deny it, just to confirm that this is my pain and that it means something to me. I'm really good at running away from uncomfortable things; facing them down is not in my natural skill set. I can shift blame like I get paid for it, but I'm really bad at dealing with injuries for which there's no one to blame, no incompetence or cruelty. Heaven knows I've been more than a bit of a fuck up in my time, and I still feel like to some degree, I'm doing my penance. I may feel that way for the rest of my life, but I also have this urge that I've thus far resisted to fight back somehow, to argue my case, but I know that it'd be a massive breach of my character and an overstepping of my bounds to do so. In a distant sense, it's kind of funny how a year ago I was in almost the opposite position after Spring Break, knowing that I had to be the rain on someone else's parade. Knowing how hard that was for me, how could it be right for me to do anything but accept my fate with a smile?
I'm doing the best I can to slow the burning of my bridges; but there's this deep, vague, apprehensive feeling that I'm destined to end up an island. I have a desire to know how I'd handle it now, feeling stronger as I do, but I never want to turn my back on the world again. For a few days at least, I'd like the world to be a welcoming place for me; I think I want to feel like a human part of things, if just for a little while.
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